Purpose, Gender, and Self Identification

I recently read the short story "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" by Isabel Fall because it was a featured writing in a YouTube video I watched about Ace Combat 7 by Jacob Geller. Here are some of my thoughts and insights into what I believe the real crux of the story is and what the larger thematic through-line is. "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" by Isabel was at the center of some controversy after its release in 2020 due to how it was perceived it as an attack on the LGBTQ+ communities. However, I think this writing speaks to more than what others would believe. The story is about how our identities as individuals can be twisted by institutions for purposes outside our control; and the levels of indoctrination that need to take place for people to solely dedicate themselves to said purpose. This story follows an individual codenamed Barb who is serving in the United States Army as an Apache helicopter pilot who had gone through a radical gender reassignment surgery to become one with the machine and their gunner. Through the time we spend with Barb and Axis, we get insight to the dynamic between them as a team, the minutia of the machine and how it controls, and the inner thoughts of Bard through the mission, her backstory and the thoughts she has about gender, identity, and purpose.

The first topic I want to talk about is a sense of purpose, a sense of how we pour ourselves into our craft and the expectations we might have from that dedication. I served honorably for four years in the United States Marine Corps and this writing had me look back on how our sense of purpose is tied to giving one hundred percent of our being to the institution and how lives are on the line if that falters. In the story Barb has an inner monologue about this with "Yes, we will be this way forever. We survived this mission as we survive everywhere on this hot and hostile earth. By bending all of what we are to the task. And if we use less than all of ourselves to survive, we die." which directly calls into question her perspective on how if Axis is not fully invested into being part of the culture and most importantly part of Apache Helicopter, they lose their lives. This echoes the indoctrination militaries have been preaching ever since the dawn of human conflict, how those in a war need to give their lives for the cause and be fully invested in what is going on in order to achieve success. A person's purpose is the mission in the military. The persons purpose is to be used as a tool for war and nothing else. What purpose do we have in our daily lives outside of the military? What is our purpose when we are able to identify as someone and not just as a tool for an institution? Even outside of the military we put ourselves into institutions that expect us to conform to a purpose without life or death risks. Working at a grocery store ones purpose is that of the cashier, working as a body repair shop ones purpose is that of a repair technician, not because we are forced by some government agency, but by our own volition.

Another point this writing talks about is how we identify ourselves. Barb talks about how "To be yourself well is the wholest and best feeling that anything has ever felt.

It is what I feel when I am about to live or die." When read this I got shivers down my back because this implies that someone can be wholly themself with no doubt or question in their mind. What type of person knows with one hundred percent certainty who they are? Inside the military, I did not know who I was. I felt like a husk of a person, someone who is not an individual. I felt like I was a blank, unfeeling tool used by the government to impose its will on others. There was no Patrick Kelly, just, Kelly, no person behind the name, just a lineage to designate who a higher up was speaking to. Sometimes it was just "Devil Dog", to blanket identifier to make people anonymous within the culture. I did not exist. I was not a person and I did not know who I was. What kind of life is there for someone who becomes nothing but part of the machine? How can someone identify as anything when all personality is stripped away from them at any given turn? These are not questions that Isabel are trying to answer, but to impose on the reader to make them come to terms with what it means to become part of something that does not value personal freedom or expression.

Lastly, the main theme of this writing is about gender, the roles we play in society, and how humans cling to these ideals of what society deems normal versus what free gender is. Barb talks about these crass sexual things, how she prefers a certain type of dominance and regard for people who can confidently and clearly carry themselves. She also says "Many of you are veterans in the act of gender. You weigh the gaze and disposition of strangers in a subway car and select where to stand, how often to look up, how to accept or reject conversation. Like a frequency-hopping radar, you modulate your attention for the people in your context: do not look too much, lest you seem interested, or alarming. You regulate your yawns, your appetite, your toilet. You do it constantly and without failure." This passage speaks to how our gender is nothing but a performative act we put on for others, looking for social cues whether we know it or not and how we subconsciously or consciously act while in the presence of others. We are a social species and we put on an act every time we interact with others whether we are aware of it or not. Why do we put so much importance into fitting in or adjusting our behaviors based on those around us? Why don't we truly act as ourselves around others instead of pretending to fit in? I hate that I cannot answer these questions, but Isabel really brings up some good points about pointing a finger to these things and how they relate to us as humans. Another thing that Barb says is that "Some people say that there is no gender, that it is a postmodern construct, that in fact there are only man and woman and a few marginal confusions. To those people I ask: if your body-fact is enough to establish your gender, you would willingly wear bright dresses and cry at movies, wouldn’t you? You would hold hands and compliment each other on your beauty, wouldn’t you? Because your cock would be enough to make you a man." I think this passage carries a lot of weight because of what it implies and how hypocritical people are when discussing things such as gender norms and how society expects us to act. We don't dress freely because our current gender norms dictate that it isn't proper to do so. We don't freely express ourselves because it is looked down upon to have feelings as a man, it is unkempt of a woman to be assertive and strong. Why do we feel that it isn't right for someone to be genuinely themselves and be able to express themselves openly to others? Why do we look at people who take that step to defy the cultural gender norms as alien instead of embracing their new perspective? Our American culture does not want people to be individual nor does it want people to be free thinking and open about who they are and the things that make them unique. Our culture forces people into boxes and if someone does not fit into that box they get labled as an other and outcast for the way they think. I'm sorry, but I did not serve to protect the constitution just to alienate people for having the freedom to think and believe and express themselves the way that they want to express themselves. After I got out of the military it took me a few years to come to grips with who I am, and what my purpose is, but now after reading this and re-living those experiences I endured I'm not so sure I know who I am anymore. Am I just a product of the institutions of the past 10 years? Am I really free to be who I want to be for myself? Or am I just performing a gender role that society has crafted for me that is outside of my control? I truly do not know the difference between what is a product of my free will or what is a product of the culture I am apart of anymore, and that makes me scared. Scared because the line between who I want to be, and the person I am is so fuzzy that I can't tell where the true Patrick Kelly exists and where the public persona of Patrick Kelly meet. This writing has me all sorts of messed up and genuinely baffles me that people have not taken the time to fully sit and digest it. I feel a lot of the backlash Isabel received was unjust and mostly stems from the title instead of the content within the work itself. If you have not had the chance to read "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" please do so or find an audio voice-over of it and come to your own conclusions.

~Patrick Kelly, 8/20/2026